Sexless In Seattle

Hey yall! How’s it going? Is life still lifeing? Awesome. Same for me. So you may be looking at the title of my blog post for today and thinking, damn girl, that’s a crazy title. Well, the crazy title matches the crazy date I had. It’s official I just went on maybe the worst date I have ever had and I have had some stinkers. Let’s get into it.

I met this guy online and based on his pictures, profile and our short conversation he seemed cool. In hindsight he wasn’t very chatty during texting, which for me, isn’t inherently a red flag, a lot of people are busy and don’t necessarily like being on their phones but I soon realized that he didn’t text a lot because he was trying to hide his crazy. Before I really get into it I want to say that I’m using the term ‘crazy’ colloquially. Mental health issues are no joke and I believe everyone should have access to affordable mental healthcare and I don’t take mental health issues lightly.

I texted Dr. Applebee’s Esq. to set up a date and he decided he wanted to meet up at Applebee’s. I hadn’t been to Applebee’s in decades, I use to go all the time in my 20’s, so it was kind of nice going back there and I thought it was a cute date idea. I showed up just before he did and went to the restroom. He texted me that he was sitting in the bar area so I met him there. One of the things that I like to do is establish a boundary immediately and see how my date reacts. The boundary I establish is a handshake over a hug. Not a big thing but something I do to see if my date will respect my physical space or if he feels like he can come into it. Denny’s esq. takes my hand and immediately pulls me in, not just for a hug, but this mother f#*k$r tries to kiss me! I was so taken aback, all I could do was nervously laugh, gently push him away and take my seat. I was definitely in shock but we had only just begun. As he settles in he hits me with the compliment rat-ta-tat-tat (You’re so beautiful, oh my God, look at you. Wow!) I’m still reeling from the kiss he tried to land on me so I sit there smiling like a 4^th grader on picture day. He then takes his phone out and says to me “Let me educate you on something” and proceeds to show me a video of how map makers have purposefully been drawing the continent of Africa smaller than it should be to dimmish the black experience. At this point I put my seatbelt on because I know I’m about to go on a ride.

Now, most people would find an excuse to leave this date but I would say one of my toxic traits is I HAVE to go down that rabbit hole. I am Alice in Wonderland and I would jump, blindly into the depths of the unknown to see what was on the other side. What can I say? I’m a curious kitten. I knew that this was going to end, at best, incredibly awkwardly and at worst with my body being discovered in the dumpster behind Applebee’s and yet, I was locked in. His first video is followed by a series of other video, each one more off the rails than the last until finally the waitress comes over to ask for our order. He immediately orders shots (all for himself) and beer. I order a salad (because it’s 1pm and I thought this was a lunch date). He looks at me quizzically and asks “oh, you’re going to eat?” I respond “yes, it’s lunch time” to which he replies “you didn’t eat breakfast? Because I did. It’s the most important meal of the day.” I saw where that conversation was going so I just nodded and smiled. He smiles at me and proceeds to say my name three times like I’m Beetlejuice or some mythical creature (he would continue to only say my name in 3’s) and says “damn why are you still single? Are you one of those ‘independent women’’’ followed by an accusatory glare. Anyone who knows me, knows I am rarely at a loss for words but on this day my mouth remained agape and words were lost to me.

I told him a bit of my back story and then mentioned my time spent abroad in Spain. He gives me a look that was filled with such disgust that I actually thought something terrible was happening to him. He says “Spain? Why would go there?” I respond with the truth, It was a place I always wanted to go. Something shifts in him and he begins to say “but you didn’t da…” but stops himself. He then asks me “do you know Kenya?” I pause for a moment assuming he doesn’t mean the RHOA star and I ask “the country?” “Yes” he replies. I say “yes, I am familiar with the country of Kenya” and he proceeds to show me a series of videos. Halfway thru he stops to low key berate me about living in Europe and asks me if I know why his mother is single? I respond that I do not, and he says “it’s because she tried to be one of those independent women and now I’M stuck dating her,” Okay, was all I could muster. He continues by telling me that the women his age (which by the way, although his profile said he was 49 he was actually 59 at this point it didn’t matter but it is worth mentioning) are out here travelling the world, going to Greece, Italy, France thinking they are happy single, out here dating those Europeans and he was stuck here dating his mother because these women think they don’t need a man.

I have to admit, as he was speaking I was like ‘you’re describing my dream life’ but I absolutely did not say that because I knew where that was going. He continued to ask me if I knew certain things existed (Denny’s, Ghana, and various government conspiracies) before finally telling me that Oprah Winfrey was deeply unhappy because she chose billions of dollars, power, fame and independence over marriage. I asked him if he thought a woman could only be happy if she was married to a man, again he looked at me like I had insulted his entire family and said “of course she can’t be happy single, didn’t you hear me talking about those women travelling the world alone?” I smiled and said “Yes and it sounds like they are living the dream.” He didn’t like that.

He decides it’s time to go and asks me to go to a bar that is just down the street with him.  Again, I know this is a bad idea but I can’t help following that damn rabbit! Although this had been one of the most insane interactions I had had in years, I have a very diverse sense of humor that was living for this encounter. I told him I would go but I was going to drive myself. I follow him to what turned out to not be a bar, but was definitely some sort of residential living facility. I park and cautiously follow him inside just to realize we are in a transitional living facility (some may know as a half way house). The front desk clerk begins to ask me for my identification as well as pictures of myself for ‘safety reasons’ and at that point, I’m out.

He starts losing his shit. He yells at me that if he was one of those ‘white men’ I, probably, loved, I would have gone anywhere with him. He asks me if I deal with ‘black men’ I tell him “I deal with all humans” and this sends him into a full blown episode. He says “I knew it! When you said you lived in Spain I knew you were a whore for the white man.” Okay. At this point I am not engaging him anymore and instead calmly walking to my car. I am fully ignoring him and he starts yelling “I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR ME AND YOU NEED TO HEAR THIS! YOU’RE A SLUT AND A WHORE FOR THE WHITE MAN!” I continue to not engage. This whole interaction had devolved into nonsense but I sent a silent thank you to the universe for always showing me who the people I date really are before I become invested in them. As I got in my car I said to him “Goodbye and have a blessed day.” He replied “F&%k you.” Lol. And I drove off into the sunset while simultaneously blocking him because I was ready to climb out of this rabbit hole.

My retelling of this tale only scratches the surface of what happened there was so much more but seeing as I’m writing a blog and not a novel I had to condense it. I don’t regret this date, it showed me a lot about myself and the woman I had become. In the past I was so insecure that I might have gone with him into that building but this time I didn’t. In the past I might have also been super discouraged from continuing my dating journey but I am actually having fun and this was fun, chaotic fun, but fun nonetheless. I don’t aspire to have more dates with people like Dr. Denny’s Applebee’s esq. but I know that I am in a space where I am able to find joy, pleasure and happiness in every encounter and that is a gift I am so happy to have received. I am hopeful that future dates will be less… whatever this was, and I know that I am going to have to go on a lot of dates before finding someone I really click with. I’m here for it! I am forever grateful for my life’s journey and grateful to be able to have the experiences that I am having. With that I remain,

Sexless in Seattle